Merry Christmas!

Looking back at this time last year, so much has changed in a year.  Last year during Christmas, I had just gotten a positive on a HPT and was also beginning to go through a miscarriage, even though I didn't know it at the time.  Last year, I was really sad, because even though I wanted that little baby with all my heart, I knew deep down that something was wrong. 

This Christmas, we are patiently waiting on the birth of our first(and probably only) child, Charles, who will be born during the first part of January.  This Christmas hasn't really felt like Christmas to me though.  I'm so used to going to my Nana's for Christmas, that I REALLY miss it this year.  Last year, I was too worried to miss going.  This year, it's just made me sad that I missed another Christmas with my Nana.  To make it worse, I feel like the Grinch this year, since we were not able to buy Christmas presents for everyone that I wanted to buy for. 

The good thing is Charles Garrett is doing well and seems to be developing normally, which is very important since I am a type 1 diabetic.  Still I worry that something will happen between now and the time that he is delivered.  (I think the older I get, the more like my mom I get, she worried about us constantly.)  Pray that he will continue to develop normally and that we will have an uneventful delivery.

Almost 31 weeks

It is amazing how fast time is flying.  Charles Garrett will be here in no time.  He is doing well and growing.  At the last ultrasound, which was at 28 weeks, he weighed 3 pounds.  Doctors are saying he is in the 62nd percentile, which they said is good. Not too big, not too little. 

We are trying to get ready for his arrival at our house.  His room is painted and his bed is almost ready, just need a mattress pad and it can be made up.  He has enough clothes for about five babies, so he has no worries about going unclothed. 

We also found out at my last appointment that Charles will make his appearance at around 38 weeks, no matter what.  I would love to go through labor without being induced, but we will see.  So that means around January 6, we will meet our little man.

I won!!!

I am so excited today, because I just found out I won the thirsties cloth diaper giveaway!!! I rarely win anything! I can't wait to get it!!!!

Time Flies

I can't believe how fast time is flying.  I will be 22 weeks on Thursday, which means Charles is due in almost 18 weeks.  Back when we were hoping and praying for a baby, I never thought the time would go this fast.  So far he is developing right on target and things are looking good.  Now if my thyroid levels would just cooperate, I would be a happy camper.  Luckily for me, my blood sugars are staying mostly regulated which is AWESOME!!!! I guess I really need to decide what we need for little man, so I can get registered. 

Thirsties Diaper Giveaway

If you think you would like to try cloth diapering, go check out this blog.  She is giving away a thirsties duo diaper.  Good luck to you!!!

Who would have thought......

In preparation for meeting my little man, I have been doing a LOT of research(mostly on the web.) Research on all kinds of things.  Lately the blaring question has been what kind of diapers to use when he gets here.  This has become a very confusing question to me.  I can remember my mom always saying that Pampers were the best diapers.  But guess what, I type the word Pampers in a search engine, and tons of pages come up.  Mostly they are all discussing the new dry max diapers, which seem to cause rashes in some babies, and yes I know my baby may not be allergic to it, but you never know. 

I asked the question "what diapers" on one of my favorite message boards the other day.  I had a suggestion from one to consider cloth diapering.  The first thought in my mind was no way, I do not have the patience for cloth diapers and can you imagine having to pin diapers on a tiny baby.  Well, let me tell you, I was in for a shock.  I put the two little words "cloth diaper" in a search engine, and you would not believe the results I got.  And some of these diapers are just like disposable, they just take a little bit more work.  So I am now really considering going down the path of cloth diapers.  Now the big question is, what kind do I buy.

Baby Moran

On Monday, August 16, Dave and I were able to see our precious baby.  The ultrasound technician took lots of time in measuring baby Moran, to make sure everything was ok with baby.  Baby moved around like a little monkey and of course, didn't want us to take a peek at the gender.  She finally got baby to move enough to see the gender.  We are very excited to announce that baby Moran is a boy and he will be named Charles Garrett! Charles is measuring exactly as he should, which is the most important thing.

Time for an update

I've been neglecting the ole blog, but then what is new.  Summer is almost over and a new school year is about to start.  There is always so much to do to get ready.  Dave and I are excited to meet our new baby that will be born in January.  After my miscarriage in December, I was very hesitant to put anything on the internet, or even to tell tons of people.  It is so hard to "untell" people.

I am now a little over 16 weeks pregnant and have seen my ob doctor several times, as well as the MFM doctor who said baby looks good.  We go Monday to find out the gender.  We are tickled and are so happy to have this God given miracle in our lives.

What a beautiful day

Today is a beautiful day. We are going to dad's for the afternoon.  I hope to be able to take some pictures my cutie pie nieces and dad's "perfection" his flowers.  Thankfully tomorrow is a HOLIDAY and I don't have to go to work.  I am so excited to spend one more day at home.

How do you keep up with a blog?

This is the question I ask myself, because I'm sure it's pretty obvious, that I don't do well keeping up with a blog.  I start off really good and then it goes to nothing in two point two seconds.  What I'm trying to say is I am going to TRY to do a better job keeping up with this, those that know me should point out that I am a procrastinator to the highest degree.

Two weeks

It's been two weeks since the miscarriage was confirmed.  Every day is a little easier, though some days are still terrible.  I have learned a lot in the past two weeks.  When someone has a miscarriage, they either don't say enough, or they say too much.  Maybe before this, I would have fallen in either of those categories.  Now, however, I know there is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel any better.  The best thing to say is I'm sorry and leave it at that.  Please don't ask "Why did it happen?" More than likely, the doctors don't know why it happened and I certainly do not know.  Nor does it make me feel better for you to tell me, "There was something wrong with the baby." Yes, probably so, but I already know that and don't need to hear that from every person that sees me.  "Theres a reason", that too does not help.  In my head, I know theres a reason, but in my heart I am missing this tiny baby that didn't get the chance to come into the world.  Yes, it was very early, but it doesn't mean that I hurt any less.

Please don't get upset with me when:
1. I don't want to go to your child's birthday party.  This would be very hard on me at this point and I just can't do that to myself.
2. I don't want to go to a baby shower.  This hole in my heart is still very open and it would be very difficult for me to make it through a baby shower without shedding a tear.  Remember I've not gotten the chance to have a baby shower and  to be so excited about expecting a baby. My baby became an angel much to early for a baby shower.
3. I want to be alone.  Sometimes that's all I'm going to want to do, is sit at home with my husband and dogs.  This is where I'm feeling my comfort these days.  I don't want to go shopping, where everywhere I look is a baby or a pregnant woman.

Just remember, sometimes I need to talk about it.  And I'm not just going to forget this baby tomorrow, Give me time to grieve.  And please don't tell me I need to get over it. If you've ever had a loss in your life, you will understand it is not easy to "get over it."

Goals for today

Maybe if I write them done, I will get some of them done.
My goals for today are to get the computer room cleaned out so that we can paint in there eventually.
I also want to do my 1 mile of walking.  Hoping I can keep up with that and lose some weight this year.

It's been a week

Today it's been a week since the miscarriage was confirmed.  I have gone through so many emotions.  I was so incredibly sad, then that changed to anger. Anger at friends and family that have been able to have successful pregnancies with no problems, and even more anger at youth and others, that really are not ready to be parents.  Yet they have healthy babies every day. 

I went back to the doctor on Tuesday.  This day was terrible.  I had to have an ultrasound to make sure I didn't need a d&c.  It was very hard as just last week when the doctor did an ultrasound he thought he saw a flicker of a heartbeat.  I was told we could start trying again in March, and that gave me some hope.

Now, I am just ready to move on.  I'm ready for March to get here and I'm ready to try again.  I look at this, as our sign from God that we can have a baby, as we had given up.

It's Cold Outside

I woke up this morning with snow on my windshield, not the typical thing you wake up to in Northeast Louisiana.  I had to leave earlier than usual, because I had to get the tags renewed on my car and then I had to go see my doctor.  Today, I find myself very bitter, even though I try not to to be.  I want to be happy, I just can't find it in myself to be happy right now. 

However, I can say that my life is enriched greatly by the youth I work with and now more than ever I need them in my life.  They know I am upset, yet they go out of their way to make me smile and feel good.  Thank you God, for letting me have these wonderful angels in my life.

A New Day

Tomorrow I have to go back to work.  I am not looking forward to it.  I feel so empty and I just don't know how I'll be able to handle it.  I should be working on a newsletter right now, and sending emails that need to be sent.  BUT I have NO desire, I don't even want to think about it.  Not to mention I have to go to work and cancel a workshop for Tuesday, because I can't handle it.  I am at a loss and just don't know what else to do.  All I want to do is sleep and look at the internet and try to find answers.  Hopefully, soon I will be able to move on, but I just can't right now.

Why ME????

Why me, why am I strong enough to handle this. I know I must be, because God only gives us what we can handle, but losing this baby is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.  I really don't even know where to begin.  My heart is broken in two.  I can't even think straight anymore.  Hopefully it will get better soon.