Two weeks

It's been two weeks since the miscarriage was confirmed.  Every day is a little easier, though some days are still terrible.  I have learned a lot in the past two weeks.  When someone has a miscarriage, they either don't say enough, or they say too much.  Maybe before this, I would have fallen in either of those categories.  Now, however, I know there is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel any better.  The best thing to say is I'm sorry and leave it at that.  Please don't ask "Why did it happen?" More than likely, the doctors don't know why it happened and I certainly do not know.  Nor does it make me feel better for you to tell me, "There was something wrong with the baby." Yes, probably so, but I already know that and don't need to hear that from every person that sees me.  "Theres a reason", that too does not help.  In my head, I know theres a reason, but in my heart I am missing this tiny baby that didn't get the chance to come into the world.  Yes, it was very early, but it doesn't mean that I hurt any less.

Please don't get upset with me when:
1. I don't want to go to your child's birthday party.  This would be very hard on me at this point and I just can't do that to myself.
2. I don't want to go to a baby shower.  This hole in my heart is still very open and it would be very difficult for me to make it through a baby shower without shedding a tear.  Remember I've not gotten the chance to have a baby shower and  to be so excited about expecting a baby. My baby became an angel much to early for a baby shower.
3. I want to be alone.  Sometimes that's all I'm going to want to do, is sit at home with my husband and dogs.  This is where I'm feeling my comfort these days.  I don't want to go shopping, where everywhere I look is a baby or a pregnant woman.

Just remember, sometimes I need to talk about it.  And I'm not just going to forget this baby tomorrow, Give me time to grieve.  And please don't tell me I need to get over it. If you've ever had a loss in your life, you will understand it is not easy to "get over it."

Goals for today

Maybe if I write them done, I will get some of them done.
My goals for today are to get the computer room cleaned out so that we can paint in there eventually.
I also want to do my 1 mile of walking.  Hoping I can keep up with that and lose some weight this year.

It's been a week

Today it's been a week since the miscarriage was confirmed.  I have gone through so many emotions.  I was so incredibly sad, then that changed to anger. Anger at friends and family that have been able to have successful pregnancies with no problems, and even more anger at youth and others, that really are not ready to be parents.  Yet they have healthy babies every day. 

I went back to the doctor on Tuesday.  This day was terrible.  I had to have an ultrasound to make sure I didn't need a d&c.  It was very hard as just last week when the doctor did an ultrasound he thought he saw a flicker of a heartbeat.  I was told we could start trying again in March, and that gave me some hope.

Now, I am just ready to move on.  I'm ready for March to get here and I'm ready to try again.  I look at this, as our sign from God that we can have a baby, as we had given up.

It's Cold Outside

I woke up this morning with snow on my windshield, not the typical thing you wake up to in Northeast Louisiana.  I had to leave earlier than usual, because I had to get the tags renewed on my car and then I had to go see my doctor.  Today, I find myself very bitter, even though I try not to to be.  I want to be happy, I just can't find it in myself to be happy right now. 

However, I can say that my life is enriched greatly by the youth I work with and now more than ever I need them in my life.  They know I am upset, yet they go out of their way to make me smile and feel good.  Thank you God, for letting me have these wonderful angels in my life.

A New Day

Tomorrow I have to go back to work.  I am not looking forward to it.  I feel so empty and I just don't know how I'll be able to handle it.  I should be working on a newsletter right now, and sending emails that need to be sent.  BUT I have NO desire, I don't even want to think about it.  Not to mention I have to go to work and cancel a workshop for Tuesday, because I can't handle it.  I am at a loss and just don't know what else to do.  All I want to do is sleep and look at the internet and try to find answers.  Hopefully, soon I will be able to move on, but I just can't right now.

Why ME????

Why me, why am I strong enough to handle this. I know I must be, because God only gives us what we can handle, but losing this baby is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.  I really don't even know where to begin.  My heart is broken in two.  I can't even think straight anymore.  Hopefully it will get better soon.